Rekindling Sex

I don’t want to be naive and assume that, for everyone, there was a delicious unfolding of erotic discovery throughout their developmental years. Many of us get the message, early on, that sex is either disgusting, a religious offense (outside of marriage), dangerous and/or something to be ashamed about. Put together with our own uncertainties about self-esteem as we hit puberty and beyond we’re left with a double-whammy of negative messaging PLUS self-doubt about whether we are “the right kind” of man or woman. Around adolescence we develop distrust and are highly insecure re:the very bodies we once enjoyed with gusto (the unselfconscious joy of childhood), we are constantly comparing ourselves to others (the “better” bodies) and all this is BEFORE we enter into a long-lasting relationship.

Additionally, for many of us, early experiences of sexual abuse (a weaponization of power if there ever was one) left us with the equation that sex is (at best) something to be endured for the sake of a relationship, not something that can ever truly be enjoyed.

And so we lumber forward into our intimate relationships with others, bringing what we imagine to be the best possible version of our sexuality, and understandings about sex, to our partner, who – it turns out – has their own baggage and wounds about this same stuff. We do the best we can and – if you are one of the lucky ones – at least one of you, in the relationship, brings a more relaxed, pleasure-oriented adventuresome sensibility to the area of sexual encounter. And maybe, just maybe, you can trust enough to let down and enjoy that.

Only religious fundamentalists believe that the purpose for us being sexual beings is solely for procreation and the continuance of the human race. (Nowhere, of course, has this been challenged in a larger way than by the LGBTQA community’s very existence. Interestingly, the sex “recession” or “drought” documented in national polls – in which 1 of 3 men and 1 in 5 women report going a full year without sex seems to be a trend that is seriously resisted by the activities of gay men and lesbian women. The trend, for heterosexuals is less frequent sex, later sex for young people, less intercourse, more solo time spent on screens and on their phones and a type of despair that sets in when they compare themselves to “influencers” and others they see online.)

There is a profound grief about not feeling seen or valued within a relationship. Whether this is felt by a hard-working parent, who spends their time at home with children, or one, who spends their time outside the home bringing in a significant income both volunteer their continued hard work, creativity and self-sacrifice day after day, week after week. To feel that it is all for naught because it is unseen, or just not valued, is crushing. Resentment and mistrust sets in. Just, exactly, who have I thrown in my lot with, who am I stuck with, and how is this supposed to go for the next 50 years? What about ME? Am I invisible? Did the real me die? Then what creature is this that I am living within and where – oh where – did pleasure in my life ever go?

Here is where individuals within a couple, or the couple itself, tends to add 2 + 2 and get 9; rather than turn to each other in remembering pleasure and cultivating the celebration of it with each other, it is weaponized. “Hell, no, I’m not going to go there, because I don’t trust it is emotionally safe, or good for me, to go there.” Or, alternately,

“I’m resentful of my partner’s incredibly selfish, bad behavior and there is no way I will consent to reward them for it by giving them what they want sexually.” The answer then consists of either making believe that sex isn’t, or wasn’t, ever important in the first place to the two of you, or that it is no longer something that you should care about.

(In the words of Bruce Springsteen’s “The River”: “Now I just act like I don’t remember and Mary acts like she don’t care.”)

The solution is one that may feel uncomfortable for the couple because any change feels wrong after a logjam is so firmly established and practiced. The individuals within a couple, and the couple itself, has to begin exploring and rediscovering pleasure. Not “sex” as they perhaps most rigidly defined it previously, but….anything and all things that bring relaxation, presence-in-the-moment, enjoyment of the body, enjoyment of the connection with another body and – ultimately – the sharing of sexual body energies with love and trust (even as this can encompass enjoyably “nasty” stuff and fantasies). If orgasms follow, all the better. There are good, better and best sexual experiences. All are improvements on the logjam.

The road back to sexual connection is through pleasure, and sexual trust is not rebuilt AFTER all emotional issues of disharmony are somehow “corrected” first, but through pleasure-leading-to-sexual-sharing CONCURRENT with the restoration of emotional harmony. (This may require couples therapy work.) In other words, it is NOT “let’s work everything out between us first and maybe then we’ll feel like touching each other,” but is “let’s work on figuring things out between us, which includes building up, and restoring, good sexual connection as well as every other type of loving connection as well.” All is welcome to this work and the willingness to open up, in vulnerability, to all of your partner’s upsets, desires, fears, histories and hopes are the measure of true intimacy. You fight for the whole enchilada, not by avoiding the cheese or sauce, but by enjoying the whole thing. You work on your whole relationship, body included, because – it turns out – your body/mind/soul are one and is yearning for complete appreciation, connection and celebration.

I will be running a day-long ZOOM workshop on Rekindling Sexual Connection on Saturday, August 15, 2026 from 9am to 4:30pm.

For more info and registration link, click here.